It was my sophomore year of college. I was alone in my dorm, sitting at my desk, making plans.
My plans were set to take place a couple days from this night.
Waiting until my roommates were headed home for the weekend and I was alone. I had it figured out.
I was empty, and had nowhere else to go, and no one to go to, in my pain. I had never shared with anyone the struggles that were going on within me, mentally, or within my family. The dysfunctional house I grew up in, where my young parents did what they could, but regularly let pride, alcohol, untreated mental illness, verbal, emotional, and a couple occasions of physical abuse run our everyday lives. Where “What happens in this house, stays in this house” was a common phrase. I had been away at college, but family troubles followed, even from a distance, hovering.
I never told a single friend the whole truth, because I was taught “You can’t trust anyone”. So I didn’t. I kept people at a distance, I tried to “fit in” and became all things to all people, not knowing who I was. I was lost, and tired of trying to find my way through.
I sat crying that night in the dorm, As I felt the only way out of my pain was to end it. I had a plan. I had resolved my way was better than what I had been going through.
“Get the Bible”. It wasn’t an audible voice, but a thought, that deeply confused me as I sat there.
The thought was referring to a Bible my younger brother had given me before I left for college. He had found his faith in the midst of a dark time within our family when we were both in high school. Where he found god, and community, I found anger, and immense doubt that any such god would exist. But he gave me a Bible anyway, and I remember rolling my eyes and throwing it in a tub with my belongings.
Two years later, I had this feeling I needed to open it. I never had before.
Reluctantly, I dug it out of my plastic drawer and opened It up.
I didn’t know how to read a Bible, I didn’t know what I was even looking for, so I just let the spine of the book determine what I read.
“Trust in the lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight”.
- Proverbs 3:5
I crumpled to the floor, sobbing, and feeling seen, for the first time.
“Lean not on your own understanding”- felt like a car being lifted off my lifeless body. All I did was try to understand, to control, to “fix”. Here I was being told “It’s not for yours to carry, it’s ok”.
I found God that night, and he pulled me out of the darkness. I chose not to take my life, because it felt like maybe I was meant to stay. It hit me like a freight train, and I needed to know where it would go.
I would learn later, as I started going to a Christian fellowship, and reading the bible, that he sent his son Jesus, to live, love, die, and come back to life so that I could too. I still struggle with understanding the magnitude of it all, even over 20 years later. I sit in awe of it all.
What I know now, is that God never promised it would be easy, he actually warns us, it is going to be hard. But it’s temporary. And in the temporary, as I choose to trust, letting go of what I think things should look like, it would come together. In his time. Not mine.
And you know what?
It has.
In the marriage I wanted but was very scared of (because I had never seen a healthy marriage). Over 20 years together now, and I get to hang out with my best friend, everyday. I get excited for going home at the end of the day. I never thought that would exist.
In the kids that I had hoped for. 6 years of waiting after Micah and I got married. God gave Calvin and Miles to us, not on our timeline, but his.
In the job I have. Seeing Jesus and God’s love in the eyes of the students I serve. They teach me daily to love and trust, and to remember we were never meant to conform to the patterns of this world (Romans 12:2)
In forgiveness. I didn’t know if I would ever understand it, but I have. I’ve given it, I’ve received it, I’ve asked for it, and that is 1000% god at work.
In knowing I am broken. A cracked pot from the beginning, being pieced back together in the hands of God. Who loves me.
He created a new life for me, one that, wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t put my trust in him that night.
I share all of this today, because our time here is short. Eternity awaits, and I want to live this life and the next, sharing about the love of god, and what he did for me, after I simply said “ok”.
I will never be an evangelist that hits the streets and stands to share and recite scripture. I am thankful for people that have that gift, that love others and God so passionately that they do it.
I will be the wife, mom, friend, and teacher, that tries daily to love god, and love others as he has called me to. That will share my story, however awkwardly through word or voice, if it can help one person.
I am human, I mess up…daily, BUT I know God loves me, is for me and not against me. It goes for you too. So, I dust off my negativity, my judgement, bitterness, and I try again the next day.
So, if you friend, don’t know God, it’s ok. I hope today you might go to him. Go to him angry, yelling, crying, quiet…wherever you are at, just go. Listen. Give it time. He knows you better than anyone else ever will, and even right now, he’s with you, knowing your thoughts. It’s ok. Creepy sometimes, but ok.
God gave me today, so today, I baked bread, made coffee for my hunters and sat here, typing this. Praying for you.
I love you. He loves you more. Don’t try to do this life on your own. He has something bigger than you can imagine planned for you. Go to Him.
If you need prayer, want to talk, need to vent, I am here too. Awkward, but willing, because God gave me today. He has for you too. ♥️
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“Today is the day the lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it”-psalm 118:24
Peace by Piece 